Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
