I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
