Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The power of my boobs compel you
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
