What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
