My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I need moral support for this bender
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
