Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i've created a new STD.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
