Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
