My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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