I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
