i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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