omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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