I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
