every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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