I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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