Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
