yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
