so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
