If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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