Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
as a side note pls kill me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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