I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
