8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
