Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
