Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
