When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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