Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
