He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
