i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
