i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
