I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
That's intense
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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