Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
