apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
