yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm passing your future prison.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
