you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
