i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
