Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
