come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
