apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
