Welp...herpes.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
