my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
