1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
