I'm passing your future prison.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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