he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
