Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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