You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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