he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We have so much sex to catch up on
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
