Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
