Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Randomize
