Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
