I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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