Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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