Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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